How did I get to this????

Ok, I know I've been a little maudlin lately but I had to share something that confuses me.

I was bullied in High School...not just picked on but seriously bullied, I am talking about hit, spat on, had dead reptiles thrown at me, abused and denigrated. I know my tormentors don't remember the hell they put me threw when I consider the amount of them who want to friend me on Facebook. I sit here and think "You called me a useless whore, a bitch, a slut and every other name under the sun. You hurt me physically, emotionally and mentally and NOW you want to be my friend?" Unlike High School I can now choose to delete you from my life!

Thats not what confuses me though. Like most people who had a traumatic upbringing of sorts, I have quite low self esteem. Most people who meet me don't know this, all they see is the quirky, funny woman I have become. However, put me in a room with ten strangers and I will be scratching my nails to the quick trying to get out!

What I don't understand is why so many people seem to like me? And no, before you ask, this isn't my way of asking everyone to come out of the woodwork and sign my blog, telling me how great I am...though that would be nice! Its more a case of meeting people for the first time and having them decide they really like me. I'm not used to it. AND I've been out of high school for many, many years. (twenty but who's counting).

We went to a garage sale the other day and it happened to be around the corner from me and I felt, like I usually do, that I was never going to see these people again so I was my usual weird self. Husband then chose to drop in again on the way to work and the wife mentioned she would love to have a couple of glasses of wine with me just because she loved my sense of humour! I am not used to having that affect on people! I have another friend who is younger than me and sees me as a mother figure...she told me this.

I am not used to being liked and respected, its weird...I'm just me, crazy, quirky, funny, round me!

Cin

Happy? Oh, there you are....

I found my happy...it was in a funny place and took a rainy walk on a sleepy Sunday to bring it home.

We were expecting some really rough, dangerous weather to hit that night and all Monday so, after a week of torrential rain, I took the slightest break in the weather to take the two stircrazy dogs for a walk.

As you know, I have found it hard to interract with them lately, due to the tragedy that unfolded last month. So, I went out in my usual sad state and concentrated on enjoying the break in the weather. The regular pace of my dogs soothed me in a way I hadn't found in a long time, the steady trot lulling me into a peaceful mindest.

At our usual haunt there is a storm culvert in the large open park and it usually has an inch or two of water in it. Due to the recent rain it had a good two foot of still water, no current and the park itself had large open puddles. Once I released the hounds Q and Nell took off like bats out of hell, running in gigantic circles, pouncing on each other and being fools. Q ran through the puddles and grinned like a teenager, his tongue lolling out of a huge smile, jumping in puddles just like a big kid.

And then.... both dogs tried to run across the storm culvert at the exact same time and two dogs sunk like bricks, leaving two black noses just above the water. The turn around time was a fraction of a second and then the water exploded with Q hurtling out and Nell doing her usual washing machine impression of swimming. The look on her face was priceless, she was most indignant and THAT is when I found my happy....deep belly laughs billowed out of me, guffaws shook me and there I was, in the rain, wiping away tears of laughter.

We continued our walk home, with my happy settled next to my heart, two wet dogs and a sense of peace I haven't felt in ages........I found my happy!

The Naughties

We have to deal with alot of customers in our shop, some good, some bad, some really bad but you know that you've finally lost it when the bears begin to revolt!

We have three bears made by Russ, a toy maker that most people have heard of and these three terrors are collectively known as the Naughties. They scale the furniture, they chat up the dolls, they take over the quilts, they try and steal stuff from the jars; they are just plain naughty!

And I have proof!

Scaling the cupboard so they can see.
Thats a honey jar and they HAD to see if there was any left!

A recent rainy day and they huddled under the quilt. The first time I have seen them still...

See, people have the nerve to tell me I'm crazy but I know those bears will be the death of me!

Lost...one happy...if found, please call....

I can't find my happy...I've temporarily lost it. I can't find it.... but I know when I lost it.

One month ago our lives spiralled downhill. For anyone who knows us they know that our animals are our lives. Tony and I breed and show our beloved Devon Rex. Tony had the number 1 Devon in our cat council, a stunning tortie girl called Marble.

We have an automatic door closer that wasn't functioning as well as it could. My male stafford Q had figured out how to open the door and the door then hadn't closed. Marble went outside and sometime during the day she was killed by my dogs. MY dogs...the dogs I had plans to breed and continue my bloodlines.

Tony fell apart, his world was shattered as Marble was his beloved pretty girl. She was a gorgeous typey girl who we had big plans for...and my dogs ended her life. I can't get the image of that out of my mind. Or of Q bringing a small part of her fur to us as his trophy, he was so proud of himself. I had to deal with some of the remains while dealing with my own grief. Everything I knew and loved about my dogs had turned around and bitten me in the butt.

I immediately contacted Q's breeder and asked her to rehome him. Nell was in season and we were mere days away from preparing for a litter of pups but all those plans came to a screeching halt. I couldn't look at my dogs or touch them for three days.

And during this time I fell sick, I fell very,very sick. I had a cold before all of this and all of the stress made it settle on me very heavily. I was heartsick, I was emotionally sick, I was physically sick and I was mentally sick...I was broken.

A month has passed and we have dealt with our emotions and our feelings of loss.I returned to dog training with Q this week. I made the decision to get him desexed and I haven't regretted it. But I have discovered a side effect from all of this stress....I've lost my happy. I've lost the joy of training Q, of working with him and seeing him enjoy working with me. I came home from training last night and wept in my husbands arms.

And, I don't know where to find it or how to get it back.......if you find my happy, can you please let me know?