Fantastic Parenting Article

I'm the first to admit I don't have all the answers. Frankly, half the time I don't have a clue with Caitie but the following made sense to me. I read it at the Mother and Baby website. The article is titled "Argue with Me."

"Why would any sane parent teach his kids to talk back? Because, as one father found, it can actually increase family harmony.

Those of you who don’t have perfect children will find this familiar: Just as I was in line at a bank, my 5-year-old daughter chose to throw a tantrum, screaming and writhing on the floor while a couple of elderly ladies looked on in disgust. (Their children, evidently, had been perfect.) I gave Dorothy a disappointed look and said, “That argument won’t work, sweetheart. It isn’t pathetic enough.”She blinked a couple of times and got up, pouting but quiet.“What did you say to her?” one of the women asked.I explained that “pathetic” was a term used in rhetoric, the ancient art of argument. I had happened across the subject one rainy day in a library and become instantly obsessed. As a result Dorothy had learned almost from birth that a good persuader doesn’t merely express her own emotions; she manipulates her audience. Me, in other words.

Under my tutelage in the years that followed, Dorothy and her younger brother, George, became keenly, even alarmingly, persuasive. “Well, whatever it was,” the woman said, “it certainly worked.”Sure it did. I’ve worked hard at making my kids good at arguing. Absolutely.

Let’s face it: Our culture has lost the ability to usefully disagree. Most of us seem to avoid argument. But this has produced passive aggression and families unable to discuss things as simple as what to watch on television. Rhetoric doesn’t turn kids into back-sassers; it makes them think about other points of view. Whereas the goal of a fight is to dominate your opponent, in an argument you succeed when you bring your audience over to your side.

The three tools of argument.

To disagree reasonably, a child must learn the three basic tools of argument. I got them straight from Aristotle, hence the Greek labels: logos, ethos, and pathos.

Logos is argument by logic. If arguments were children, logos would be the brainy one, the big sister who gets top grades in high school. Forcing my kids to be logical forced them to connect what they wanted with the reasons they gave.

“Mary won’t let me play with the toy car.”
“Why should she?”
“Because she’s a pig.”
“So Mary should give you the car because she’s a pig?”

Doing this makes your kids think logically.

Ethos, or argument by character, employs the persuader’s personality, reputation, and ability to look trustworthy. My kids learned early on that a sterling reputation is persuasive – a parent is more likely to believe a trustworthy kid and to accept her argument. For example, if both kids deny having eaten the last cookie, ethos becomes vital.

Me: “One of you took the cookie.”
Dorothy: “Have I ever stolen cookies before?”
Me: “Good point. George?”

Then there’s pathos, argument by emotion. It’s the sibling who gets away with everything by skillfully playing on heartstrings. In rhetorical lingo, Dorothy’s tantrum wasn’t “pathetic” enough, because she was thinking too much about her own feelings and failing to manipulate mine. When a kid learns to read your emotions and play them like an instrument, you’re raising a good persuader.

Dorothy: “Dad, you look tired. Want to sit down?”
Me: “Thanks. Where did you have in mind?”
Dorothy: “The beach.”

So one example, using the three tools, would be:

“Mummy, I deserve an ice cream sundae because…I need a lot of extra calcium for my growing bones.” (The logos method.)I was just thinking about that time you were late picking me up from school…” (The pathos method.) I just cleaned my room – and my little sister.” (The ethos method.)

Admittedly, a toddler might find it difficult to apply logos, ethos, and pathos, but as with every other useful skill, you have to start young. Instead of “Use your words,” I would say, “See if you can talk me into it.” When my children made an honest attempt to persuade me to let them watch television, for instance, I gave in whenever possible: the win felt doubly rewarding to them. Indeed, as my children get older and more persuasive, I find myself losing more arguments than I win. They drive me crazy. They do me proud."

I found this article very helpful to understand why my kids often chuck a wobbly. They just don't know how to argue their point well enough. If you enjoyed this, check out part two on the website!